HOW TO RECONCILE A RELATIONSHIP

HOW TO RECONCILE A RELATIONSHIP

The Keys to a Blessed Life (8 Beatitudes) – Part 7

Rick Warren
July 26-27, 2014

Conflict resolution is an important life skill to learn and needs to be taught.

How to restore a broken relationship

 “God blesses those who are peacemakers, for they will be called 
the children of God.” Matthew 5:9 (NLT)

The characteristic of a true believer is being a "peace maker" not avoiding or appeasing others that is cowardliness or enabling.

Currently we have 5 major world wars occurring, without including conflicts and battles interpersonal, political, religious, etc., etc., etc. 

It blocks my relationship with God.
I can't be close to God if I have conflict with others in my life.
You can't love God whom you can't see, if you can't love those whom you can see.
If you claim you love God and hate others - you are a liar.

It blocks my prayers.
My prayers won't be heard or answered.
God is love, and He wants us to love and learn to love.
If you are in conflict - you are not loving.
Husbands treat wives with respect and consideration so nothing hinders your prayers.

It blocks my happiness.
If relationships stink, life stinks.
If your marriage isn't working, or out of harmony with your family - life is not happy.

MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT PEACEMAKING DAMAGE CAUSED BY UNRESOLVED CONFLICT
Those who are peace makers will reap a harvest of goodness by planting seeds of peace.
It is a law of the universe.
 Sowing and reaping - you plant one seed, it will multiply back to you. 

“Those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a
harvest of goodness.” James 3:18 (NLT)

HOW TO BE A PEACEMAKER

 1. You make the first move... take the initiative to make peace.
It is more important than worship or going to church.
“If you’re standing before the altar in the Temple, giving an
offering to God, and you suddenly remember someone has
something against you, leave your offering there beside the altar.
Go at once and first be reconciled to that person. Then come and
offer your gift to God.” Matthew 5:23-24 (NLT)

Time does not heal anything... things get worse as you allow it to fester and grow more bitter the more you procrastinate.  The only way to resolve conflict is to face it.

What causes us to postpone?  Fear of conflict.
We become withdrawn and detached due to fear of rejection.
The more insecure you are in a relationship the more demanding, defensive and distant you become.
Where do you find the courage to make the first move?  To deal with that person?
The Holy Spirit of God's love.  Get full of God, and He will help you overcome.
We never change until the love exceeds our fear and pain.

2. Ask God for wisdom.
“If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, and He
will gladly tell you . . .” James 1:5 (LB)

Ask God for help with the timing, approach, and what to say.
Think of who you have a strained relationship with and pray for them.

Confess your faults first... start with how you were wrong.
If I am full of myself, I am ultra sensitive.
If I am full of the Holy Spirit, I am full of peace and love, so conflict won't bother me.

3.When I am at peace with God inside, what happens outside doesn't upset me. 
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? They are caused by
selfish desires that are continually at war inside you?” James 4:1

There is no such thing as incompatible.... we are all different and we can choose to get along and choose to love or not.  To have a successful marriage/relationship "grow up!"  Immaturity causes relationships to die.
Flexibility and willingness to change makes relationships successful otherwise they will fail.

The greatest the differences you have the greatest potential for growth.
You can learn from anybody if you are willing to be humble, unselfish, open minded, flexible.

It is always more rewarding to resolve conflict than dissolve a relationship. 
Human nature is self centered and stubborn.  Good relationships require we think less about ourself and more about others.

Humble people don't get feelings hurt easily.
Prideful people are ultra sensitive and moody.

“Pride only leads to arguments . . .” Proverbs 13:10 (NCV)
“Why do you notice the little piece of dust in your friend’s eye,
but you don’t notice the big piece of wood in your own eye? . . . First,
take the wood out of your own eye. Then you will see clearly to
take the dust out of your friend’s eye.” Matthew 7:3,5 (NCV)

Break the ice of conflict :
"I am sorry, I was only thinking of myself....." ideal phrase to memorize and recite repeatedly. 
Come to resolve conflict humbly and begin with yourself. 

Look for your own blind spots.
Listen to their hurt and perspective.
Listen to the emotion behind the words.
See what they need.
We argue over emotions and feelings instead of ideas.
Somebody feels abused, slighted, causes hurts more than ideas.

Hurt people hurt people.
The people who need love the most, deserve it the least. 
The most obnoxious difficult, unloving, unloveable people are the hardest to love, but need it the most.
You need to see why they 
When people feel de-valued, unappreciated, neglected... they hurt.
Start with what they need.

4.Conflict resolution means you need to focus.
 You are more like Jesus when you focus on somebody else instead of yourself. 
Seek to understand, before seeking to be understood. 
See their circumstance, their temperament, their background.
You will be more patient when you are understanding and see where they are coming from and see their hurts and pain and what they have been through. 

“. . . be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”
James 1:19 (NLT)

If you listen and watch your words you will control your anger.
When you are quick to anger, you are not watching your words or listening.
Always listen first before speaking!
Then people feel validated when you listen.
Eye contact and paying attention is very loving.

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to
the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of
Christ Jesus.” Philippians 2:4-5 (NIV)
“. . . we must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and
fears of others . . .” Romans 15:2 (LB)

Look beyond behavior towards the person's fears and doubts.
The problem is our fears are rational and normal and other's fears are irrational and abnormal.
All fears are irrational!
FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real
Irrational - Rational Lies

5. Speak the truth tactfully with kindness and love.
Being brutally honest is rude and selfish.  Telling it like it is... is being a jerk.
If you say it offensively it will be received defensively.
They will remember the emotion more than the words or topic.
The moment you start yelling- the other person will stop listening and you have lost the argument.
you are never persuasive when you are abrasive.
you never get your point across when you are cross.
Never use the truth as a club... wrap it in love.
Truth with love is received. Truth without love is resisted.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise
brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18 (NIV)
Foolish words hurt.
Wise words heal.
It is all in the way you say it.

Religious fanatics spiritually vomit on everybody to feel better about themselves, but everybody else is repulsed by it.

“Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that
build up and provide what is needed . . .” Ephesians 4:29 (TEV)

2 imperfect people can't have a perfect relationship.
Establish ground rules so you do not destroy yourselves or each other.
Learn the triggers to avoid.  Fight fair.
Don't threat divorce. Close the escape hatch and said it is not an option.

During the cold war from 1950's to 1989.  The leaders agreed that WMDs weapons of mass destruction were off limits. Atomic bombs were banned. You need to ban the WMDs from your marriage. Make a list of the harmful and hurtful words that are banned.

6. Fix the problem not the blame. 
 Attack the issue, not the blame. 
BLAME is spelled: "Be lame"
As long as you attack each other, you are not attacking the issues to be resolved.
Blame, shame game is a waste of time.

“You must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, 
malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” 
Colossians 3:8 (NIV) 7.

Labeling, belittling, analyzing, slandering, insulting, gossip, etc.

Focus on reconciliation not resolution.
Re-establish the relationship.
Bury the hatchet.
Do not hold on to the hurt.
Resolution on everything is not always possible. You can agree to disagree.
You can have unity without uniformity.
You can walk hand in hand without seeing eye to eye on things.
Restore the relationship and the issue will appear insignificant.

Reconciliation = reestablish the relationship
Resolution = resolve every issue

Our world is filled with constant conflict and stress.
Broken lives, hearts, economy, etc.
Commit to become a bridge builder, not a wall builder.
Look for ways to bring people together instead of tearing them apart.
This is your ministry to be a peace maker, restoring relationships and reconciliation.

“God has restored our relationship with him through Christ, and has
given us this ministry of restoring relationships. God was in Christ
restoring his relationship with humanity.
He didn’t hold people’s faults against them, and he has given us this message of restored
relationships to tell others. We are Christ’s representatives . . .
We beg you on behalf of Christ to become reunited with God.”
2 Corinthians 5:18-20 (GW)